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The Big BangWhen Joe Coup saw the bright lights on the dark, lonelylogging road up ahead, he stomped the brakes and bangedthe steering wheel.‘Hell’s bells!’ he growled.The brilliant, vertical beam of pure, white light sweptup the dirt road towards his battered pick-up truck. Heslammed into reverse, stomped the accelerator. Thevehicle shot backwards, jouncing crazily over water-filledpotholes, Joe’s head ricocheting off the bare metal roof,clamping his hardhat down like a bottle cap.The speedometer needle quivered up to fifty then felllike a tree. The beam of light had suffused the truck,capturing it and the cursing lumberjack, stopping the bothof them dead. The roof peeled back like the lid on asardine can, and Joe was airborne. His indignant profanityfilled the pine-scented night air, startling wolves andshocking chipmunks.‘What’d you want this time?’ Joe groused, cantileveringhis fingers under his hardhat and popping it off, freeing uphis brains.He was standing in a spaceship miles above the Earth’ssurface, glaring at a glowing orange sphere hovering eyelevelin front of him. An alien life form of pure energy, hegrudgingly assumed.‘I’m over here,’ came the reply, in perfect, if squeaky,English.Joe looked down, way down, at a green, two-inch longcentipede-like creature on the metallic floor of thespacecraft.The creature arched its head, waved ten or twelve armsor legs in universal greeting. ‘That’s our light and heatingunit,’ it explained, pointing still more appendages at theorange sphere. ‘My name’s Kazar.’Joe looked back up at the glowing ball, like hepreferred it. ‘This is the sixth time I’ve been a*****ed,’ hecomplained, ‘and I’m starting to get pissed off.’The first three times had been interesting, fun even, thecold probing offset by the warm and fuzzy half-hour offame: guest appearances on the television showsUnexplained Unknowns and PSI: Oregon, guest-of-honourspots at science fiction conventions and NASAfundraisers, a ghost-written bestseller-in-the-Nevada-Area51 entitled ET Loves Me.But the celebrity had faded like the prospects of anALF reunion movie anytime soon, after the fourtha*****ion. And by the fifth, the ‘kook’ label had beenfirmly affixed. He lost his long-suffering girlfriend and hisplum job at her father’s sawmill, moved into an abandonedAirstream trailer on the edge of an acid lake in the middleof a clear-cut nowhere, only his hand and a satellite dish tokeep him company, chainsawing and trimming andhauling logs, freelance, for a living.He was the guy who cried ‘Watch the skies!’ once toooften, Chicken Little in a spacesuit, and now no one waslistening – except the tiny green centipede with theMickey Mouse voice.‘This will be the gaziantep escort final time,’ Kazar assured him. ‘Forthis,’ it gestured expansively with almost all its limbs, ‘isthe mother ship.’‘And what were all the other spaceships – k**die cars?’Joe grumbled.Kazar grinned, then scuttled over to an inch-highinstrument panel and peered out of a BB-sized porthole,pressing a button to correct the trajectory of the flyingsaucer. One of its limbs inadvertently triggered the hyperlightdrive which sent it splatted against the porthole. Thesudden speed sent Joe flying.Kazar shut down the drive and apologized, as Joeclimbed angrily to his feet. ‘The others weremerely…exploratory vessels,’ it said, continuing theirdiscussion. ‘Equipped to search for the man who willserve our peoples’ purposes – serve the place purposes ofpeoples in all…uh, serve the purposes of all places and…’Joe snorted, ran a rugged hand through his shaggy,blonde hair.‘And you are that man, Joe,’ Kazar said, ‘and this shipcontains the most precious of all cargoes.’Joe defiantly spat a line of black tobacco at the floor,splashing little Kazar in the wash. ‘I’m not doin’ nuthin’for you guys! I’ve had it! I’m all sampled andstudied…out! You guys can go crawl back into your blackhole and pull it in after…’He stopped his tirade when Kazar snapped its limbs anda being as beautiful as a billion sunsets suddenly appeared,naked as the break of day. ‘Mother!’ Kazar squeakedtriumphantly.Joe’s fists unfurled and he gulped his chaw, ogled thewoman with the stars in her eyes.‘She’s everything you’ve ever dreamed of, Joe,’ Kazarpiped, standing up on its hind limbs and gesturing at theheavenly creature. ‘A composite of your ideal womancome to life, assembled from mind probes of your onceevery-ten-seconds sexual fantasies.’Joe had to admit she was built, alright. He brushedsplinters off his dirty Hard-On Wood Products t-shirt andfinger-combed his scruffy beard.Kazar glanced at a data screen the size of a pinkietoenail. ‘She has, uh, Diane Lane’s feet and legs, JennyLopez’s rear end, Pamela Lee Anderson’s…uh, PamelaAnderson Lee’s…’‘Pamela Anderson,’ Joe breathed.‘Right, yes. Pamela Anderson’s chest. JennyConnelly’s face and Jenny Aniston’s hair. And, uh, PaulNewman’s eyes?’Joe’s sunburnt face burned a deeper red.Kazar twitched its limbs as if in a shrug. ‘For yourpurposes, we shall call her Dijepa Coanman – or Jenny,for short.’‘Jenny,’ Joe exhaled. ‘Is she an alien?’‘At her core, yes. But you won’t be seeing her core.’Joe was seeing everything else, though, his eyeswandering over the wondrous woman’s swollen breastsand jutting nipples, rappelling down her plump butt cheeksand along her lithe, golden legs, and then scaling back upher legs, resting briefly on her strip-shaved pussy beforeascending to her globular tits again. He glanced quickly ather shining face and ‘Friends’-era styled hair. He avoidedher eyes.‘You will fuck her multiple times,’ Kazar squeakedwithout compunction. Then he slithered into an opening atthe bottom of the instrument panel, like a silverfish oozingunder a refrigerator, leaving Joe and Jenny all alonetogether.‘Do you like what you see?’ the celestial body spoke,eternity in her Kathleen Turner husky voice.Joe hardened like an eight-foot length of green sprucein a fired kiln, the lumber visible in his tight jeans hisuniversal response. He blessed the satellite dish backhome, the space age technology that allowed him to watchall the shows and movies from which his best-of-the-bestdream girl had been fashioned.Jenny glided towards him, her tanned, toned bodyrippling and jiggling in all the right places. ‘You werechosen because of your stamina, Joe, your ability to spillsperm early and often.’Joe was honoured, horny as hell. He tore off his t-shirtand flung it aside, unlaced and kicked off his steel-cappedboots, unbuckled and unzipped his faded blue jeans andshoved them down and off. Jenny looked at the man’svery tighty-whities, and smiled.She pushed her lush chest up against Joe’s hairy trunk,and he grabbed on to her like a born-again tree-hugger,crushing her hot body against his. His cock pressedurgently into her flat belly, a sticky wetness alreadystaining his underwear. She gazed up into his gaping,brown eyes and kissed him. He hungrily devoured hersoft, moist, Angelina Jolie-like lips, and she gripped thesides of his Jockeys and yanked down.After inflaming each other with their mouths and handsand sundry other body parts, Jenny fought her way out ofJoe’s hairy, blond arms and fell back onto a paddedplatform that had arisen as quickly and surely as the man’serection. ‘Fuck me, Joe!’ she hissed, spreading her slenderlegs and pulling her pink, Jenna Jameson, petals apart,urging him to dock his rocket.Joe was on her like gravity on a Jovian. He pressed hisbony, lanky body against her soft and cushiony one, hislips against her lips again, his sweaty hands rummagingaround for her impossibly upright breasts and findingthem. She slid a Gene Simmons tongue into his mouth andmoaned like she meant it, Joe not-so-dry-humping herstomach.‘Fuck me, Joe!’ she repeated.He fumbled between his legs and grabbed hold of hiscock and zipped its mushroomed hood right over her slitand into her Britney Spears bellybutton. It’d been awhilesince he’d done this sort of bush work. She took his cockin her hand and pressed its boiled-up head into her juicycunt, grabbed onto his pale buttocks and slammed himhome.‘Yeah,’ Joe mumbled, tonguing a Scarlett Johanssonear and pumping his hips in a rhythm as old as all creation.Jenny gripped Joe’s shoulders and urged him on withsome Ginger Lynn dirty-talk. His thick cock sawed backand forth inside her with an oiled ease, faster and faster,until he was pounding her pussy with an a****l intensity.Her Elvira-like fingernails bit into him, and he tilted hishead back and howled at the moon, white-hot spermlaunching from his balls and into her silky pink space.‘More! More!’ she urged, as Joe shot his payload.He collapsed on top of her, gasping for air, bathed inthe sweat of his efforts (his first bath in quite some time).‘Fuck me up the ass, Joe,’ she whispered in his ear,before pushing his deadweight away and doing a log-rollon the platform. She jumped up onto all-fours and wiggledher bold, bronze bum at him.He responded like a bear to honey, possessing that rareability of almost instant sexual recovery and semenrejuvenation. He reared up on his knees and trundled inbehind her, steering his still-hard cock into her puckered,Nina Hartley asshole. His pole slid inside her like greaseddoweling, plunging right to the hairline. Then he grippedher Shakira hips and started banging away.And only a minute or so after penetrating that taut,gripping bottom, watching those split-peach cheeksshudder resplendently as he smacked them repeatedly withhis body, Joe went supernova a second time, shooting forthe stars all over again. He tilted his head back andbellowed loud enough to register at the AreciboObservatory, spraying sizzling spunk deep into Jenny’schute, into her core.He toppled over on top of his out-of-this-world lover,sliding right off her sweat-dappled skin and landing with athunk on the platform.‘More! Fuck me more!’ she implored. She encircled hisshaft with her Palmolive fingers and sealed her lips aroundhis cap and sucked like a black hole.They had hot star sex in every position imaginable,every Joe-brain-inspired orifice offered and explored. Heleaked semen like his pick-up leaked oil. Until at last,when he was as spent as a white dwarf, Kazar reappeared.It squeaked at the woman to wake up the depleted, dozingwoodsman, and she squirted milk into his face á la slutnumber four in Breastpumpers III, rousing Joe back toconsciousness.‘Human, thank you for all your help,’ Kazar shrilled.Joe rolled off the platform and hit the floor pleading.‘No problem. I can do more,’ he gasped. He staggered tohis feet and stared at Jenny, picturing her with EvaLongoria’s body for a change of pace.‘Unfortunately, you cannot stay long – and hard,’ Kazaradded with a smirk, ‘in this atmosphere.’ It gestured aboutthe ship with a multitude of limbs. ‘An atmosphere that

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